Since everyone’s in the spirit for writing ‘open letters’, I thought I should not be left too far behind. After all, I too have an audience… of five!
So, here is an open letter to not one, but everyone who made news in the few weeks or so. While every second person is busy washing someone else’s dirty linen in public, I sure as well hope that this letter would stir up a real storm in the parliament… well, there’s already some kinda 2G storm happening there… so I will skip that!
But I do hope it gives enough fodder for the Indian media, thus opening a floodgate to many more revelations… but they already have a ‘Barkhagate’ that they’re trying to secretly shut down!
Jeez, what the heck. I will still write… (so what if no one’s listening!) Please note that the content of this letter is purely fictitious. Any resemblance to any person or animal living or dead is coincidentally intentional.
----------
Dear Mr A. King,
With reference to your six-paragraph letter dated 31st October 2010 on ‘Give and take of 2G’, can you please clarify the first three paragraphs? And it would also help if you can explain the last three too? I do know to read Malayalam, but Tamil becomes a little ‘out of my territory’!
I agree with you on most points after your signature line, which mentions your office address. But I am being told that Mr. C-bal is now occupying your premises. Let me know how I can help.
Dear Mr. A-Shock Chai Van,
Sir, with reference to the missing documents, you can take my word – they aren’t with me! I thought I’d thrown them to my TV screen while watching a ‘loud’ news channel anchor. But I love my TV way too much. These papers could be found lying in the bathroom of the numerologist who suggested to you to make your name a little longer, eventually resulting in your reign getting shorter.
Dear Mr. Yedu-Rapper,
I wish I was a minister in your cabinet. By hook or by crook, I would have managed to complete five years in that chair, with a few add-ons in the form of land. It is good to know that you are a loving and caring father, who would put his job on the line to give his kids the best ‘deal’ possible!
Dear Mr. Moon PL,
I believe you already got a reply from my boss on your letter. And that should do. But you know, you might just have stirred a hornet’s nest and hit yourself on the foot with a few old heavy and explosive GSM phones!
Dear Mu-Cash Antila,
Can I use your bathroom anytime I walk along that lane? I promise, I won’t switch off the light after I use it. And since you’ve so much of vulgar money, if you’re going on a holiday for a month, it will be great if you can pass on the money that you’d kept for paying the electricity bill. It can buy me a big enough house for myself.
Dear readers,
I’m extremely grateful to the five of you who continue to read this blog despite being a disgrace to blogging.
Love,
Mallu Mumbaikar
Friday, December 10, 2010
Monday, December 06, 2010
A flashback: My first week in College…
Even as I walked inside that massive structure, which was then, rated as ‘Asia’s Best’ (I think it still is), I couldn’t help but wondering, I must be the most ‘out-standing’ boy here. Literally! I was standing out in the crowd of youthful exuberance.
I hadn’t quite made that transition from a school-boy to a ‘college-dude’. And not to forget, I was (and I still am) a small-town boy. I disliked jeans. And you still won’t see me wearing t-shirts too often. So here I was dressed in formals from head to toe (or should I say – collar-to-toe). Neatly pressed formal attire. Nicely polished shoes. Formal ‘executive’ bag. A scrawny little fella walking into one of the yuppiest colleges in the country. Out of place? Understatement. I was to later find out that I was tagged as a ‘salesman’ by a few, who later became my good friends! Can’t blame them. But I really didn’t care. Neither did I face something that was termed as a ‘cultural shock’. I guess I was too ‘dumb’ then to figure all that out!
I was just trying to make sense of this sheet of paper, supposedly, the time-table. On it was ‘20B’. I had no clue what that meant, till I was told it was the classroom number.
I guess, the priority though was to get my concession form. And that was my first of many ‘encounters’ at the concession counter. It was an ‘adventure’ for many. I will leave it at that…
And of course, I had to miss my first lecture – Economics. I went within 5 metres of 20B. But, of course, didn’t have the courage to ‘excuse myself’ to enter the classroom. Didn’t want 110 odd people (only 14 of them being guys) staring at this ‘out-of-place’ guy walking in.
I waited for the next lecture. And walked in to sit next to a guy. The 14 guys had occupied two benches, one of which could seat 7 of us. History - a subject that I hated in school and had opted out for my Junior College (eventually ended up majoring in the subject). Where on earth do I go for Political Science? Sheet said, ‘20F’. The professor had already walked in. And there was no way that I would raise my backside to get out of the classroom now! First day – first two lectures – and I am yet to realistically ‘attend’ a single one.
Twenty minutes into break time. After briefly roaming around aimlessly, I came back and stood next to the window outside 20B. This was before ensuring that my next lecture’s going to be here. There was no way I was going to let this day pass without attending at least a single lecture.
1:20 PM – I get a tap on my shoulder. Bijoy (now we call him lambu for obvious reasons) –my first friend! It was difficult to keep pace with him, on the walk and even on the talk. With BJ, you have to walk fast and allow him to finish talking. He has changed on the latter aspect though. He, now, doesn’t finish talking at all! ;)
First day ended by 4 PM. I don’t really remember much of what happened after that, but am grateful that this 6’ tall guy put me at ease!
A week later, on 10th of June 2000, I found my second friend. Merwyn D’souza. This fella hasn’t changed one bit. Merwyn ten years back is the Merwyn you see now. His secrets? He doesn’t share them! Or rather, he has no idea himself. But this guy’s PJs, as much as his looks, have remained constant. They continue to make you wanna whack him hard, yet put that laugh on your face!
I am not sure when I befriended Carlo. It must have been during a Socio lecture when he happened to sit next to me and encouraged me to narrate a story to the class about a Near-Death Experience that I had. When he reads this, he would have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. He remembers only what he chooses to… just like the 20 runs I gave away in the final over of the finals! ;)
With Anish too, the case was much the same. I guess we became friendly during our cricket matches or History classes. But with him around, there was always a prank around the corner!
And then of course, a lot of friends became a part of me through my college life, most of them left, but these four stayed on and continued to be a friend of this scrawny little guy from Dombivli who ‘needs his visa renewed’ and ‘his passport updated’ every time he comes to meet them in their ‘city’!
But despite all these changes in the environment, I survived. Rather, I enjoyed every moment of Xavier’s. Very subtly, it changed my attitude, but it let me remain ‘Me’!
Note:
This blogpost is a reaction to a photo-album that Carlo showed me recently. Some of those pics were taken about a decade back and they did what they were supposed to do – bring a feeling of nostalgia…
I hadn’t quite made that transition from a school-boy to a ‘college-dude’. And not to forget, I was (and I still am) a small-town boy. I disliked jeans. And you still won’t see me wearing t-shirts too often. So here I was dressed in formals from head to toe (or should I say – collar-to-toe). Neatly pressed formal attire. Nicely polished shoes. Formal ‘executive’ bag. A scrawny little fella walking into one of the yuppiest colleges in the country. Out of place? Understatement. I was to later find out that I was tagged as a ‘salesman’ by a few, who later became my good friends! Can’t blame them. But I really didn’t care. Neither did I face something that was termed as a ‘cultural shock’. I guess I was too ‘dumb’ then to figure all that out!
I was just trying to make sense of this sheet of paper, supposedly, the time-table. On it was ‘20B’. I had no clue what that meant, till I was told it was the classroom number.
I guess, the priority though was to get my concession form. And that was my first of many ‘encounters’ at the concession counter. It was an ‘adventure’ for many. I will leave it at that…
And of course, I had to miss my first lecture – Economics. I went within 5 metres of 20B. But, of course, didn’t have the courage to ‘excuse myself’ to enter the classroom. Didn’t want 110 odd people (only 14 of them being guys) staring at this ‘out-of-place’ guy walking in.
I waited for the next lecture. And walked in to sit next to a guy. The 14 guys had occupied two benches, one of which could seat 7 of us. History - a subject that I hated in school and had opted out for my Junior College (eventually ended up majoring in the subject). Where on earth do I go for Political Science? Sheet said, ‘20F’. The professor had already walked in. And there was no way that I would raise my backside to get out of the classroom now! First day – first two lectures – and I am yet to realistically ‘attend’ a single one.
Twenty minutes into break time. After briefly roaming around aimlessly, I came back and stood next to the window outside 20B. This was before ensuring that my next lecture’s going to be here. There was no way I was going to let this day pass without attending at least a single lecture.
1:20 PM – I get a tap on my shoulder. Bijoy (now we call him lambu for obvious reasons) –my first friend! It was difficult to keep pace with him, on the walk and even on the talk. With BJ, you have to walk fast and allow him to finish talking. He has changed on the latter aspect though. He, now, doesn’t finish talking at all! ;)
First day ended by 4 PM. I don’t really remember much of what happened after that, but am grateful that this 6’ tall guy put me at ease!
A week later, on 10th of June 2000, I found my second friend. Merwyn D’souza. This fella hasn’t changed one bit. Merwyn ten years back is the Merwyn you see now. His secrets? He doesn’t share them! Or rather, he has no idea himself. But this guy’s PJs, as much as his looks, have remained constant. They continue to make you wanna whack him hard, yet put that laugh on your face!
I am not sure when I befriended Carlo. It must have been during a Socio lecture when he happened to sit next to me and encouraged me to narrate a story to the class about a Near-Death Experience that I had. When he reads this, he would have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. He remembers only what he chooses to… just like the 20 runs I gave away in the final over of the finals! ;)
With Anish too, the case was much the same. I guess we became friendly during our cricket matches or History classes. But with him around, there was always a prank around the corner!
And then of course, a lot of friends became a part of me through my college life, most of them left, but these four stayed on and continued to be a friend of this scrawny little guy from Dombivli who ‘needs his visa renewed’ and ‘his passport updated’ every time he comes to meet them in their ‘city’!
But despite all these changes in the environment, I survived. Rather, I enjoyed every moment of Xavier’s. Very subtly, it changed my attitude, but it let me remain ‘Me’!
Note:
This blogpost is a reaction to a photo-album that Carlo showed me recently. Some of those pics were taken about a decade back and they did what they were supposed to do – bring a feeling of nostalgia…
Monday, September 06, 2010
Queueueueueue...
Well, Indian railways, or rather its commuters never stops surprising me. And true to a tradition of this blog, here’s another one dedicated to Indian Railways! If you are a frequent commuter in Mumbai (which of course means a lot of local-train travelling if you are ‘not elite’ like yours truly), you would be no stranger to never-ending, never-moving queues. And every queue would always witness one woman trying to ‘flirt’ her way in getting a ticket from someone who has stood for 45 minutes and reached the counter window, one guy going right up in front to buy coupons or to update his ATVM card and finally, someone trying to sneak right up in the front.
- The first category in the previous sentence usually always gets a conditions-applied ‘Yes’ from a guy, who believes the girl’s going to come back to thank him and befriend him for life. Get real guys – all she was concerned was to get that ticket to run and catch that 8:43 CST fast! It’s not because she found you ‘cute’. She just found you to be the most ‘foolable’ among the lot! Of course, the condition to the ‘yes’ answer depends on whether the girl is young, beautiful and unmarried. The saree-clad fairer gender may not be as lucky!
- The second category contains a group of people, who are perfectly within their right to be at the window, or at least the Railways have made it out to be. This group wouldn’t budge under the pressure of those who think they’re breaking the rules by intruding into their territory. However, these guys have to endure these silent curses from people, who by now, with slightest provocation, could use any heavy object they find nearby.
- The third category has to be the most irritating lot. If caught sneaking in, and in 9/10 times they do get caught, these guys are recipients to some awesome music, exclusively available from born and bred Mumbaikars. I apologise that none of the lyrics of this music could be replicated here, purely because this is a family blog (or so I think since not even my family takes pain to read this). The music which starts off purely as a melody soon turns rhythmic with its tempo increasing as it goes on. To those who belong to this category – best of luck. Don’t try your stunts in Mumbai!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Stuck!
Kaka's chai at tapri is one of the things that the gang of boys in my team look forward to post-lunch in our office! After our desi chinese lunch at the canteen, it was time for that drink that keeps us awake for the rest of the afternoon. Today however, only Susheel was giving me company, as the rest were either absent or out already.
Our elevator discussions usually revolve somewhere between nonsensical boy talks and brainless imaginations! I guess it wasn't too different today either... till after the second floor (we call it the hallowed floor) had passed, at least!
A sudden jerk... And a silent second later, darkness engulfed us in that little 6x6ft metallic structure. "Oh shucks!" was our first reaction. We stood still for about 10 seconds, when the lights came back revealing a nervous, yet relieved smile on our faces!
Not for long did that relief last, as we looked at the buttons and on top of them blinked a red light, which read, 'Overload'! Overload? Susheel and me? Surely, we've eaten too much of that chinese! Or maybe my paunch is making its presence felt again! It surely wasn't funny cause' the elevator wasn't showing signs of any movement. We pressed the '0' button again. We would have been happy with a jerk now. None!\
I pressed the 'Alarm' and waited for a response. We waited to pick any sound. I pressed it again. And we waited again. Silence. Susheel was smiling. I guess so was I, but it was a nervous one! "Should I bang the door?" I asked Sush. "No need. They might be on their way!" Silence outside made me feel it wasn't!
I pressed the alarm once again - this time for a longer time, followed by a bang bang! We weren't sure anybody was listening cause' we surely couldn't hear a soul. And the door being an automatic one, there was no point in us trying to do any stunts to make it obey us, regardless of what that 'Overload' signal revealed!
I wasn't sure how long this would last because I'm someone who finds breathing tough in closed conditions. I conveyed that to Susheel, albeit with that nervous smile still on. We removed our cellphones and lost hopes on that count when we saw Sush's Reliance connection showing no network!
A good 4-5 minutes had passed and I guess no one knew we were stuck. Neither did we about which floor we were on! I started bang bang again along with the pressing of that alarm button that looked and sounded useless.
Finally, some human voice outside, "Coming. Khol raha hoon!" followed by some noises of metal being slammed at. A deep sigh... A photograph to capture this one of a kind experience... And we finally felt some movement. The door opened and two pairs of relieved legs walked out to some inquisitive eyes! We could just smile and blabber whatever came out from our tongue.
Not too sure whether those eyes saw us as heroes or victims, but Susheel and I definitely got our few minutes of attention and a story to tell our friends who would have been our co-victims/heroes had it happened a day early or late!
All glory to my JESUS! No breathing issues, but just a nice little story to blog about (which possibly took you longer, to read than my time inside the elevator)!
Our elevator discussions usually revolve somewhere between nonsensical boy talks and brainless imaginations! I guess it wasn't too different today either... till after the second floor (we call it the hallowed floor) had passed, at least!
A sudden jerk... And a silent second later, darkness engulfed us in that little 6x6ft metallic structure. "Oh shucks!" was our first reaction. We stood still for about 10 seconds, when the lights came back revealing a nervous, yet relieved smile on our faces!
Not for long did that relief last, as we looked at the buttons and on top of them blinked a red light, which read, 'Overload'! Overload? Susheel and me? Surely, we've eaten too much of that chinese! Or maybe my paunch is making its presence felt again! It surely wasn't funny cause' the elevator wasn't showing signs of any movement. We pressed the '0' button again. We would have been happy with a jerk now. None!\
I pressed the 'Alarm' and waited for a response. We waited to pick any sound. I pressed it again. And we waited again. Silence. Susheel was smiling. I guess so was I, but it was a nervous one! "Should I bang the door?" I asked Sush. "No need. They might be on their way!" Silence outside made me feel it wasn't!
I pressed the alarm once again - this time for a longer time, followed by a bang bang! We weren't sure anybody was listening cause' we surely couldn't hear a soul. And the door being an automatic one, there was no point in us trying to do any stunts to make it obey us, regardless of what that 'Overload' signal revealed!
I wasn't sure how long this would last because I'm someone who finds breathing tough in closed conditions. I conveyed that to Susheel, albeit with that nervous smile still on. We removed our cellphones and lost hopes on that count when we saw Sush's Reliance connection showing no network!
A good 4-5 minutes had passed and I guess no one knew we were stuck. Neither did we about which floor we were on! I started bang bang again along with the pressing of that alarm button that looked and sounded useless.
Finally, some human voice outside, "Coming. Khol raha hoon!" followed by some noises of metal being slammed at. A deep sigh... A photograph to capture this one of a kind experience... And we finally felt some movement. The door opened and two pairs of relieved legs walked out to some inquisitive eyes! We could just smile and blabber whatever came out from our tongue.
Not too sure whether those eyes saw us as heroes or victims, but Susheel and I definitely got our few minutes of attention and a story to tell our friends who would have been our co-victims/heroes had it happened a day early or late!
All glory to my JESUS! No breathing issues, but just a nice little story to blog about (which possibly took you longer, to read than my time inside the elevator)!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Mallu invasion in IPL!!!
During Season 2 of IPL (or was it Season I), I remember joking with my colleagues about a team from Kochi making it to the IPL rooster. Cut to March 21, 2010, and news channels across televisions could be seen flashing the ‘vulgar’ money spent on the two new teams, one of them as per my ‘predictions’ – Kochi! A few expats mallus, some Gujjus, Delhiites, Mumbaikars all forming a part of a conglomerate they call Rendezvous Sports, and a little bit of string-pulling from Mr. Twitter 2009-10 – Sashi Tharoor, and what do you have? A new franchisee – Kochi! Beware! Mallus have invaded the IPL too!!! And possibly in large numbers!!
So, now that we have Kochi in the fray, let’s see what we can expect during IPL Season 4…
So, now that we have Kochi in the fray, let’s see what we can expect during IPL Season 4…
- Team Name: Except for Knight Riders and Chargers, none of the other six teams have a name that’s catchy enough. Here’s Kochi’s chance to cash in on a ‘fundoo’ name. My suggestion: Kochi Kokonuts!
- Jerseys: As mentioned in one of my earlier posts last year, there’s too much of blue (and red) in IPL. Kochi has a chance to break that trend and be innovative. Expect sleeveless banyans and white moondus (dhotis) which will be tied upwards to reveal that blue-lined bermudas beneath!
- Sponsors: No one can beat Malluland in the number of jewellery shops and craze for that yellow metal. Don’t be surprised if you see ‘Atlas Jewellery’ printed in large yellow font in those banyan jerseys. ‘Janakodikallude vishwasth sthapanam’ ads will now make its way to non-mallu channels!
- Captain: Who other than the golden-eyed boy from Kerala? The now peace-loving and converted Sree will lead the Kochi Kokonuts. Another reason why the team should be called ‘the nuts’!
- Coach: If Warne, at age 40+, can be coach and captain, why not Sree for KKNs? The other mallu leaders are busy in striking (not the cricket ball), but striking work – Kerala’s favourite past-time!
- Support Staff: As far as physio and fitness is concerned, there are no shortages of nurses (read nerses) in Kerala! Oh, hold on- they’ve all ‘migrated’ to ‘the Gulf’ (read Gelf). Well, the expats can import them for the IPL time-slot.
- Cheerleaders: Traditional Kerala’s chattayum-moondum (white kurta-like top and women’s dhoti – sorry, couldn’t find a better way to describe that) only please! We don’t like exposing in Kerala. All those exposing too much will be met with a protest march in red flags and red shirts!
- Schedule: IPL will be wary of bandhs, hartals and strikes every second day. All of Kochi’s home matches will be on Sundays. There are no bandhs in Kerala on holidays!
- Crowd: Times are changing. If you thought I am gonna say “expect moond and white shirts all across the stadium,” well, you are right. But that’s not because it continues to be Kerala’s ‘everyday clothing’, they are just showing support to their local team! If you can wear blue for Mumbai Indians’ home game and purple for KKR, why not dhotis, which will be the jersey for KKNs!
- Sledging: Phaaaaaaa… ()*@#@)(!!@!_@! – That’s sledging in Malayalam!
- Brand Ambassador: Mohan Lal (read Mogan) – “njan ilaathe njingalk entho IPL?” (What’s IPL without me? – for the uninitiated, it’s one of his famous ad quotes, twisted to suit this post)
All in all, things are looking exciting for IPL. Honestly, I was getting bored with scenes of Preity’s dimples and Shilpa shouting! Let’s have some puttum kadalayum! Let’s have some Chattayum Moondum. And let’s have a non-stop mallu-blabbering (that’s what we do all the time) wicket-keeper behind the stumps!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sachin or Bradman – Who’s better?
For those who are not into the habit of reading newspapers, my comment appeared in today’s (
It’s unfair to comment on which among the two will have the superlative. We are talking about two different eras here!
Uncovered pitches, little or no protective gears and for that matter, no genuine laws to protect the batsman from getting killed (a la Bodyline Series) defined Don’s era. Imagine facing a hard leather-ball being hurled at your face or on your body, which by the way, is minus any protection! And with Douglas Jardine and Harold Larwood (who supposedly was as quick as today’s Shoaib Akhtar and Bret Lee) going for the ‘kill’, almost literally, the batsmen were never quite sure whether they would survive to see the next ball, let alone the next morning! Not to forget, cricket was suspended for almost 10 years during the Second World War. Such situations demanded an army-man-like bravery, concentration and of course, focus to continue in cricket after a decade of break! Bradman, undoubtedly, had all of these in plenty and more. You may never again see a batting average of 99.94 for a guy who has played more than 50 Test Matches!
Switch to the current era: A match every second day, touring around the world visiting almost 3-4 countries/nations every year, three different versions of the game, a billion analysts, who in one moment can cloth you in adulation and eulogise you to godly levels and in the next, burn that very cloth into ashes with their criticisms – all of these define the current era, thus, requiring amazing fitness, unadulterated passion and quick adjustments to play at all levels – the longer, shorter and the shortest! You don’t need to look farther than the champion, who very recently scaled the peak which no man in the planet has reached before – Sachin Tendulkar!
There you are – You just can’t compare the two greats, in fact - the greatest, in two eras! I’d say, till the 1950s, Don was the best. And after that, there has been none greater than Sachin!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
200* in an ODI - His name is Sachin Tendulkar!!!
How true - India skips a beat when Sachin takes strike. He would be yet to open his account, or when he might be on 99, the nation wants to see him get that one elusive run. And at most times, he hasn’t disappointed!
Skip to 24 February 2010, Gwalior, India:
I’ve never seen a beautifully timed and powerfully hit six from an Indian batsman’s willow getting jeers, rather than cheers from fellow Indians! Never have I seen Indians clapping when an opposition fielder saves a boundary and restricts their own batsman for a single. I saw that happen today!
The Corp HQ canteen of one of India's largest companies that I work for jeered at a Dhoni six, and cheered when Amla saved a certain boundary and restricted Dhoni to just a single. For it was just a matter of time before the room exploded after that famous 'heart-beat-skip' as the little master dabbed a Protean delivery to point and ran those 23 yards to become the first ever player in world cricket to conquer the Everest of 200 in Limited Overs’ International!!! And I can proudly tell my grandchildren, "I was there. I was there!!!”
Skip to 24 February 2010, Gwalior, India:
I’ve never seen a beautifully timed and powerfully hit six from an Indian batsman’s willow getting jeers, rather than cheers from fellow Indians! Never have I seen Indians clapping when an opposition fielder saves a boundary and restricts their own batsman for a single. I saw that happen today!
The Corp HQ canteen of one of India's largest companies that I work for jeered at a Dhoni six, and cheered when Amla saved a certain boundary and restricted Dhoni to just a single. For it was just a matter of time before the room exploded after that famous 'heart-beat-skip' as the little master dabbed a Protean delivery to point and ran those 23 yards to become the first ever player in world cricket to conquer the Everest of 200 in Limited Overs’ International!!! And I can proudly tell my grandchildren, "I was there. I was there!!!”
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Lost in South Africa! Ask an Indian, right?
Apparently, while in South Africa, you should never ask for directions from an Indian! Here’s why:
“Sir, how can I get to the Capetown Airport from here?”
“Well, you go straight, right. Skip the first turn to the right, right? Take the next right, right? Then, you go straight straight straight, right? From there, take the third right, right? From the robot (that’s a signal in India), take a left, right? Take the next right, and a left and right, right? Again straight, right? Then a left, right? And another left, right? And there you are- Capetown Airport right in front of you, right?”
Thanks to Carlo, who did his pilot training in South Africa, for this one. HAPPY BIRTHDAY (it was yesterday, right?)!
“Sir, how can I get to the Capetown Airport from here?”
“Well, you go straight, right. Skip the first turn to the right, right? Take the next right, right? Then, you go straight straight straight, right? From there, take the third right, right? From the robot (that’s a signal in India), take a left, right? Take the next right, and a left and right, right? Again straight, right? Then a left, right? And another left, right? And there you are- Capetown Airport right in front of you, right?”
Thanks to Carlo, who did his pilot training in South Africa, for this one. HAPPY BIRTHDAY (it was yesterday, right?)!
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