Healthy Life in 2014: Learning from our brands

I learnt a lot in 2013. Yet, if I had sharply heard what some of our popular brands were crying out loud, I probably would have starved my family doctor. So in 2014, here's what you need to do to lead a healthy life. Apart from what they claim to do, there are some hidden meanings we can explore:

Brush twice a day with Colgate/Pepsodent.
In case your food lacks that saltiness or tanginess, they have added Salt and Lemon. Just insert some paste into that cavity and use, when needed.

Drink milk with Horlicks/Complan/Boost.
So you can be the next guy who will read out an emotional Thank You Speech at Wankhede. But you’d definitely be taller.

Have Kellogg’s for breakfast.
For that perfect figure which will make us wear that red saree/salwar. Get inspired, my eight-in-one family pack tummy!

Bath daily with Lifebuoy/Dettol.
So you can jump around in a gutter, bath in mud for the rest of the day. And then, Docs themselves have started giving soaps for tablets.

Have Sunlight Marie for evening snack.
So you can defeat your kids and a lousy spouse in badminton.

Drink Red Label tea.
So you can skip breakfast, lunch and dinner and still be fresh and energized enough. Never mind the acidity.

Drink Water from Aquaguard/Kent Water Purifier.
Because infants love that, you know. Wait till (and if) they grow up!

Chill around in a room with Voltas Air Conditioner.
It also, apparently, keeps the wife cool as you stretch and watch her slog in the house.

Have some food from a LG Frost Free Refrigerator.
So you can fool your wife into a dinner date at home with a week-old (or more) food!

Wash your dishes with Vim Liquid.
So hardcore non-veggies like me don’t get to taste some veggies that were eaten from the same plate a week back. But then, we would be totally okay with that Vim Liquid that wasn’t washed off.

Switch on Good Knight Active Mode or Spray around 'Kaala' Hit.
Because, one mosquito is enough. No, not that Nana Patekar dialogue. Also, ‘Active Mode’ keeps the mosquito away from sitting on the machine itself!

Spray 'Laal Hit'.
Because Roaches love to have a party at night on your plates. This will make them see red!

Wipe your floor with Lizol.
Because that’s where your babies love to lick. Changing diapers becomes secondary after this.

Wash your toilet with Harpic.
Because those green animated germs don’t look cute inside a commode. They deserve to die.

After  all these, if you still find yourself waiting for a doctor’s appointment while you cough, sneeze and choke to death, no worries! Have a Coco Cola, and share the happiness!

Random Thoughts: Funerals, Farewells and Marriages

Two places where you'd surely receive praises a-plenty: 1. Your Farewell & 2. Your Funeral. (“Bahut acha aadmi tha!”)

Two places were you’re sure you are the ‘Centre of everyone’s attention’: 1. Your Marriage & 2. Your Funeral. (Same Difference)

What’s the difference between a wedding and a funeral? In the former, you’re led to your death by someone holding your hand; in the latter, you’re led after your death by four people holding your casket.

People tell me that the time is now ripe for me to get married. My reply: Jesus was crucified when He was 33. Why crucify me much earlier?

At your funeral, they will all cry. After your wedding, you were the only one crying.

PS: May this post not discourage you from marrying! These are just random thoughts posted to put a smile on your face, and to be used if you want to be a marriage emcee, who’d never be called to host again. Talking from experience folks! 

A challenge...

“Take this challenge, Bless. The boundary is 80 yards to your leg-side. Clear it!”

“Ok.”

It took a few wickets for him to hold the bat. Somehow the burden seemed lighter to him. Not of the bat. But within his head.

Few moments ago, when he had nothing to achieve, he made efforts to play himself in, and try out some technically correct shots. Apparently, when a left-handed cover-drives, it’s pure bliss to those watching minus the bowler. But now, it was no longer a normal ‘number-number-12-balls-a-batsman’ format. It was what everyone in Mumbai calls ‘touch-n-go.’ So, the moment, the ball hits the bat, you gotta run. Putting both you and more so, your non-striker at risk of running out.

Yet, to ‘touch and go’ seemed to be the last minute on his mind. Before he took guard, he eyed the leg side. Saw the fielders. He had to clear them. By a long margin. “Remember the challenge, Bless?” Vijesh made it a point to remind him. He just nodded.

Very unlike him, he charged at the very first delivery he got. Connected it beautifully. On the off-side. What would be a beautifully timed boundary didn’t please him. His challenge was still incomplete.

A full toss outside the off stump. He stretched to swing, but nowhere close to the ball! He looked at Vijesh. Both exchange a smile. The latter’s smile had a question. “You’re going for it, aren’t you?”

A short delivery. Thumped. In the air for a fair while, but bounces well short of the eighty yards, as it hit the concrete steps.

Low full-toss. This time on the leg-stump. It’s slammed with disdain. Vijesh had already gone to retrieve the previous ball, when this one was coming straight at him. But much to the batsman’s relief, he doesn’t pick up the shout by the fielders. The ball bounces in front and over him. Another boundary.

Again he comes charging. Plays the ball on the full. Smashes it again. That’s towards the long-on fielder. He judges it. Absolutely imperfectly. He survives. Ball crosses the boundary bouncing a few times over.

Again a short ball. Asking to be hit. He does. Vijesh has placed himself deep. But this goes over his head. Again, poorly judged. The ball bounces in front of the concrete steps. The challenge stays.

Half-volley. Thonked straight down over the head of the bowler. Beats everyone. “Well-played!” says the ‘keeper. Four again. Challenge stays.

On the off. Thumps this one to point for four. Challenge begins to fade.

Meanwhile, at the other end, his partners are running out. Including Vijesh. For all it’s worth, he might end up not achieving the target, without getting out.

Another delivery on the legs. Gives himself a little bit of room and smashes it out of his sight. This one seems to be soaring. “Go go go!” Vijesh looks in anticipation. The challenge might just be achieved. 80 yards! From a tennis ball.

“YES!”


“Is everything ok, Bless?” his mom asks him. He opens his eyes. Wipes them. It’s time to brush the teeth and head for another long day in office!


PS: The last three paragraphs are born out of my imagination. Neither did I achieve the challenge, nor did I dream about it. See, basically, I was bored and had nothing better to do than write this. And you obviously had nothing better to do than read this.

An open letter to… who’s who of last few weeks!

Since everyone’s in the spirit for writing ‘open letters’, I thought I should not be left too far behind. After all, I too have an audience… of five!

So, here is an open letter to not one, but everyone who made news in the few weeks or so. While every second person is busy washing someone else’s dirty linen in public, I sure as well hope that this letter would stir up a real storm in the parliament… well, there’s already some kinda 2G storm happening there… so I will skip that!

But I do hope it gives enough fodder for the Indian media, thus opening a floodgate to many more revelations… but they already have a ‘Barkhagate’ that they’re trying to secretly shut down!

Jeez, what the heck. I will still write… (so what if no one’s listening!) Please note that the content of this letter is purely fictitious. Any resemblance to any person or animal living or dead is coincidentally intentional.

----------

Dear Mr A. King,

With reference to your six-paragraph letter dated 31st October 2010 on ‘Give and take of 2G’, can you please clarify the first three paragraphs? And it would also help if you can explain the last three too? I do know to read Malayalam, but Tamil becomes a little ‘out of my territory’!

I agree with you on most points after your signature line, which mentions your office address. But I am being told that Mr. C-bal is now occupying your premises. Let me know how I can help.

Dear Mr. A-Shock Chai Van,

Sir, with reference to the missing documents, you can take my word – they aren’t with me! I thought I’d thrown them to my TV screen while watching a ‘loud’ news channel anchor. But I love my TV way too much. These papers could be found lying in the bathroom of the numerologist who suggested to you to make your name a little longer, eventually resulting in your reign getting shorter.

Dear Mr. Yedu-Rapper,

I wish I was a minister in your cabinet. By hook or by crook, I would have managed to complete five years in that chair, with a few add-ons in the form of land. It is good to know that you are a loving and caring father, who would put his job on the line to give his kids the best ‘deal’ possible!

Dear Mr. Moon PL,

I believe you already got a reply from my boss on your letter. And that should do. But you know, you might just have stirred a hornet’s nest and hit yourself on the foot with a few old heavy and explosive GSM phones!

Dear Mu-Cash Antila,

Can I use your bathroom anytime I walk along that lane? I promise, I won’t switch off the light after I use it. And since you’ve so much of vulgar money, if you’re going on a holiday for a month, it will be great if you can pass on the money that you’d kept for paying the electricity bill. It can buy me a big enough house for myself.

Dear readers,

I’m extremely grateful to the five of you who continue to read this blog despite being a disgrace to blogging.

Love,
Mallu Mumbaikar

Voted!

Voted, not after a few hiccups though, which ain’t surprising if you are a voter in India. Firstly, couldn’t dig out my name from the ‘online’ voters list. Secondly, I was told the Sr. No. that I had used for voting during the General Elections would do.

On reaching the booth, I was told that my vote has already been cast. Double-checking revealed that the name next to the Sr. No. belonged to a certain Shetty ! Had to wait for a few minutes till the Poll Officer dug out the name - Virgis Blissin Thom! Yes, that’s how I am recognized in the official electoral list.

Finally, the finger was inked and the button was pressed – my fifth such experience!

For the record, all candidates that I’ve cast my vote so far have lost… It won’t be any different this time around too! :D

Back to blogging... again!!!

Back blogging again (losing count on this statement now!) and I must say, a lot has happened over the weeks that I’ve been away having a writer’s block with a combination of the anti-busy ant syndrome (don’t ask me what that meant!).

Well, for starters:
In Cricket (as usual for me), Pakistan actually won the ICC World T20 2009.
- Refer to the last post and Fan B’s prediction proved true! Well done sir, however furthest the reasoning had to do with cricket!

Moving on:
Mr. Jinnah becomes party to yet another ‘split!’ BJP is in a mess (for want of a better word).
Jaswant Singh (who is apparently the uncle of an old classmate) will soon find his bank account heavier as his book becomes a best-seller.
L. K. Advani does not have retirement in his dictionary and Rajnath Singh only has “you’re fired” in his’!

The Poms have the Ashes back!
Ricky Ponting is looking as lost as the BJP. Aussies now knows how it is to be at a lower altitude of test rankings.
England once again has started thinking they can become the best side in the world a la India!
Freddie Flintoff finally says good-bye before his knees bid him farewell!

Indian Cricketers WADA – poda!
Non-mallus, ‘poda’ is a slangy way of saying ‘get lost’ and ‘wada’ is a casual way of saying “come here”!

Michael Jackson dead/murdered/committed suicide/whatever!
Resting in Pieces!

Himesh can now sing in two different voices (voices?)!
One would be the usual wolf-voice. The new one would be the werewolf-voice!

SRK was detained/arrested/questioned at New York airport and APJ was frisked by Continental!
Mr. Obama, you better watch out on your visit to India! Indians are hungry… ahem… angry for disrespecting our national ‘icons’!

India became the No. 1 ranked side in ODIs
So what if it was for only a day? So what if we got annihilated by the Lankans immediately afterwards?

And finally, I completed three years in my current organisation!
Great achievement considering that I was ready to pack my bags in three months. Also, explains why I gained 14 KGs in the last 12 months and now have eight-packs all rolled into one big round sack!